Death Is just the thrill

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                               Nikki- 22 -college student- Androgynous "A love so pure and beautiful that distances of the souls could never break it."                           

Once you have a realization of certain things in life, there is no going back to how you viewed them before. You accept it and continue on growing. You become a little bit stronger and open minded about certain things. What you once were unsure of now makes sense. Your beliefs become stronger as well. You realize what you had was something more than a miracle. It was a grand adventure of life, love, and living. It was a beautiful experience of what the true meaning of love is. A connection like no other, that not even money could ever buy. A love and connection so strong that you could see what life was really about and what true living was. Something so much more than a miracle that it was almost to good to be true. But it wasn’t. It was all meant to be. A love so pure and beautiful that distances of the souls could never break it.  

Losing my best friend and laying him to rest all within a week has done a great deal emotionally on me. No one knows why this hurts so bad why this is so hard for me. Ray was more than just a friend. He was so much more than that to me. He was the only man I loved more than a friend. We both had a strong emotional connection towards each other. We would sneak around a lot so no one from the fire house would figure anything out. Jeff was the only one who knew anything. But we knew he wouldn’t tell. 

Ray and I didn’t care about age difference. We didn’t care about what people thought to a point. We enjoyed each others company. We knew how to cheer each other up. God I loved how when I walked into the room when I first got to the fire house his eyes would just light up and he would get a big smile and always say “there’s my baby cakes!”. We were always there for each other…morning, noon, and all hours of the night. 

I know it would be hard for people understand his and mine relationship. Which is why we kept everything secret. The way he hugged me, kissed my cheek, being there for me threw everything, the way we talked, the way he looked at me, the way we connected together. It’s what made everything between us special.

We would talk about everything going on in life with us and helped each other out. Ray would talk about his fiance that was killed and we would get talking about marriage. After months of talking about it. Ray said he’d be proud and the happiest man if he could marry me. I told him I’d be the happiest girl if I could marry him. From that point on we only got stronger. I told him many times I wasn’t kidding. I loved him more than he knew and I still do. If I could go back and marry him before he died I’d do it without a second thought in the world. 

Before he found out he had cancer things between him and I started to get a little sexual. And I’m not gunna say stuff didn’t happen. But we knew what was ok and what wasn’t with each other. Our relationship only got stronger. I wish the outcome of this all was different. I wish he was still here. I wish I could hug and kiss him one last time.

The weather is changing and everyone is getting sick and my c.f. is going all out this year. I haven’t had it this bad since 7th grade. Its like breathing threw a straw right now.

Some things are just best left unsaid.
Even if it kills you inside.
Such is life.