Death Is just the thrill

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Nikki- 22 -college student- Androgynous

I would love to know how this family thinks i’m going to pass this semester or any semester if I can’t go in on my days off to get shit done or get help. Yes when I’m at school I get help but it’s always packed in the learning help rooms and the math labs so going on my days off is better because I can get there early and get shit done.Yet every semester I get shit and yelled at for staying after school to get help and going on my days off. 

This family makes me wonder why I even bother going to school if I get no support and bullshit for it. But their the reason I don’t give up because the moment I graduate I’m leaving this shit town and I have no plains of coming back. No one in this family or town understands me and I feel unwanted anymore and have for a long time. Maybe thats a sign this is no longer where I belong, this is no longer my home.

I’m honestly on a boarder of if I leave this area I’m not coming back ever. If I leave this town and make a better home for myself in another state then thats where I belong. But if I don’t leave this area and keep putting myself through this bullshit then I can’t really make a life for myself because no matter what I do or how old I am everything is made half ass for me. And if I go against what ever they say or give what i want its wrong and just bullshit.

I feel like an outcast in my own family anymore and I try to connect with them but there’s nothing there. I want to start my own life outside PA. I have three places in mind I want to live and I know my family wouldn’t like them. But I need to get out of this never ending living hell and bullshit. 

I need to get out, I can’t be here anymore.

My sickness is my happiness. It numbs me. Yet it makes me feel everything. It makes me see what I don’t want to. Yet it makes me see some beautiful things. It makes me think of disturbing things. Yet it makes me think of things that would make anyone speechless. It brings me up yet it brings me down. Some days are better than others. It helps me through things and can destroy other things. Each passing year I slowly lose control of it and some days I wish I had control and others I just wish it would all break free. It scares me yet I find comfort in it. Some days I understand other days I have no idea who I am anymore. I feel this all will be the end of me someday and it doesn’t scare me. 

Death is one thing we can not get away from. Seeing someone who you love dying and having to say goodbye can mentally fuck you up. I know it’s messing me up big time. Ever since my best friend Ray got sick I’ve been here for him and never went a day without talking to him or seeing him or telling him how much i love him and care about him. 

I learned today I can not see him. His seizures are not controllable any more. He lost more weight. He mentally is worse and can not take care of himself anymore. He has round a clock care and is on hospice. It’s killing me each day that I can not hold his hand and tell him how much i love him and be there for him. That i can not be there to help him or to just see him. I cry everyday almost because i’m just torn up inside over this. 

I want to talk to someone about this to try to make sense of how i feel and get help for when it gets to his last days which I’ve been told don’t seem to far. None of this seems real and for the first time in my life death scares me. Losing Ray scares me. Just thinking of him not being here scares me to the point I get sick. I’ve never cared so much about a man in my life. I care about him more than I care about my father in a sense.

I can handle seeing dead people, i can handle seeing deceased in caskets, i can handle anything with funerals. But I won’t be able to handle seeing Ray laying in that casket. I know when they have to close the casket I’m going to lose it. I wanna see someone try to tell me I can’t be there or hold his hand one last time. My anger will be high and I’ll be damn if someone trys to tell me other wise.

I can’t handle this. I want to talk about it yet where do i begin? who do i talk to about my fear or anger? How do i know if anyone will understand? 

Im not for blind dates or meet ups but this girl sodo from the medic army base and Timmy unit wants to meet me. I would have to go to the base to meet her which I love going to the base :) I get to learn and help with the army stuff. And I was told shes moving down near northampton. So if anything would come about her and I at least she’ll be close near me. Not sure if I could date a military girl again though.