Death Is just the thrill

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Nikki- 22 -college student- Androgynous

No one said getting engage was easy. And you have to realize once you ask and she says yes, its no longer just about you but about yous. Putting the ring on her finger is much more than just marrying her. Its having two souls connect as one.

I got a mood necklace last week and it keeps going to purple… someone’s got my heart occupied for sure.

I officially no longer feel apart of a family. I feel like a stranger just living here till I find a new place. Its clear what I say or do does not and will not make a difference. The fate of my sanity lies on this Thursday. I go to northampton to see if I can tranfser since racc is no help. If I can tranfser next year I will be packing up everything and leaving this area for good. I do not want to live here anymore or in this area. I will give it everything and so much more just to make it out. I cant fly if im chained to one place. Im ready to find a girl and settle down for good. I want someone to be cute with and romantic with. Someone I can come home to and see their smiling face. I want to get married and have kids. Someone who will take my last name and little ones who will carry on my last name. Im ready to go out and start a life for myself.

Im having the worst allergic reaction ever right now. My whole left side of my face is swollen down to my shoulder and bright red. Stupid branch.

I’ve put on a strong act for a while now and I can’t do that anymore. I’m finally admitting I’m broken and need help.

I fucked up and lost something I wanted and it’s gone forever and I have to accept that.

I want to get away from here and honestly never come back.

I feel as though I’m worthless and if I died right now no one would care.

I just want one girl to take the time and get to know me and see I’m a human being and have feelings.

I’m tired of feeling this pain. I want to be treated like everyone else.

I just want everyone to stop breaking promises and leaving.

I just want someone to listen.

I just want to stop feeling like suicide is my only way out. I stood on the edge of the pagoda tonight and wondered if it would hurt if I just jumped and if I died I didn’t care. I lost something I cant get back. No one has any idea I took a handful of pills and tried to commit suicide this weekend. The signs were there and no one came to save me. I pray to god to just take me. But something or someone wants me here still. 

The pain in my stomach is horrible but what am I fighting for. Who am I fighting for. It’s never good anymore, just the negative. 

Who wants to live like this.

Till the campus tour at northampton :) and 8 more days till I get to see yanna :) and she where she lives. She only lives five minutes from the campus. She told me shes really happy that’s where im transferring to. That way she can see me more and she even invited me to stay at her apartment with her. Im not one to just move in with a girl but last two nights I’ve been thinking and I live in fear to much, expecially with relationships. Will it work out with yanna? It could, but I wont know unless I take a chance. Im tired of living in fear and fucking shit up I want. So I might take her up on that offer.

Shes oddly really excited and happy that im moving down her way. Like its kind of creepy but cute at the same time. She knows im going on the you next week and wants to give me a tour of the area and where all the good places to go are. Like im happy shes thrilled about all this and honestly im not scarred or nervous to see her next week or go to her apartment. Im happy and excited. I like this girl and my gut and heart aren’t freaking out for once. Though I get bright red when she smiles at me and I get hardcore butterflies.

Next week needs to get here already. Its gunna be a fun and interesting in day :) I feel bad for krystal though. Shes gotta deal with my ass all afternoon and when we see yanna lol. Oh I can only imagine what shes going to say when she sees us together. Shes been wanting me to get with yanna for forever now. Actually her and her parents and a few of the people at base. Everyone is playing match maker now lol. Ugh im so excited!!

I only have six more classes till I can transfer :) By this time next year I could be at Northampton starting funeral classes!! I never thought I’d make it this far in college let alone only be six classes away from starting funeral classes!! I could honestly cry with joy :)